The other day I got pulled over by the police claiming I squealed my tires and peeled out racing another car from a red light.
I almost had the policeman talked out giving me a ticket till he looked into my back seat.
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The other day I got pulled over by the police claiming I squealed my tires and peeled out racing another car from a red light.
I almost had the policeman talked out giving me a ticket till he looked into my back seat.
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it "In".
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds".
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go." :)
Those were hilarious Oceanic!
In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do
such thing is please not to read notice.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that
you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter
more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is
then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and
11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet
composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of
ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the
form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the
country people's fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in
strict rotation.
A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of
different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless
they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the
bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to
the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long
run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please
control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him
melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him
with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
English well talking. Here speeching American..."
ha ha ha ... oh man, that was a good laugh ... thanks ... :D
I thought it fitting that my 100th post should be for laughs :)
Those were [insert explitive here] funny. I was crying and my face is still wet. They are so me, and will implement most of them shortly.
THanks for the laugh.
A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the
monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As
crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring
her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured that they'd close the
curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's
room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart
rate at all. The nurses run back into the room.
"What happened!?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure. Maybe she choked"
Now That Was Funny!!!!!!
One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a
very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, he tied her up and went golfing.
A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer.
At the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to choose and enter a password -- something he would use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the
shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in "p..e..n..i..s".
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***
The Kindergarten Teacher was in the middle of her lesson and the word lisp came up. "Does anyone know what the word "lisp" means?" she asked?
Little Cindy raised her hand proudly and said "My kitten had a lisp!"
Knowing how sweet these stories could be, the teacher asked Cindy to share her story with the class.
Well, she began, my kitten was exploring in the back yard and she crawled thorough the fence into the neighbors yard. When the neighbors dog ran up to look, the kitten lisped "Fff, Fff, Fff," but before he could say f@#k the dog ate him."
Can you explain that one to me?
Fff???
lisp? I am confused as hell.
yeah, now that you've got us wondering, can you explain that to us? (reading through it for the 2nd time from my macbook, balancing precariously on my lap, while waiting at kuala lumpur's airport and wondering if it's just the traveling or the midnight hour affecting my comprehension :) )
hours later, back in manila...
aaah, i get it
...maddening ace even further
lol
Mac book... I see you have a REAL operating system in OSX.
Hi Sarah! I'm sure you already saw the new iMac :)
Quote:
Originally Posted by PinayDiver
Can someone eplain this to me PLEASE?
The only thing I could make out of it was that the cat had a studdering problem and not a lisp. Of course that would wreck the joke, so maybe there is something I just don't get.
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and
leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their
shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put
it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and dark side,
and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.
don't eat the yellow snow....
The following questions, which were actually asked of witnesses by lawyers during trials, were published in a journal by the Massachusetts Bar Association:
Q: Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know it until the next morning?
Q: So the date of conception was 8th August?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at the time?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at that time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Were you alone or by yourself?
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
A couple of others, origin unknown:
Q: Officer, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: About medium height, and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
When cats are scared are trying to look more menacing, they go "Ffff", show off their canine teeth, arch their back, stick their tail up (and bush it out)....hence the jokeQuote:
Originally Posted by acelockco
{well, that's how i saw it anyway}
Does that help??? ;):)
Confucius say...
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Confucius say...
Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly
Confucius say...
Better to be pissed off than pissed on
Confucius say...
He who walk through airport door sideways, going to Bangkok
Confucius say...
Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem, wake up with solution in hand.
Confucius say...
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long
Confucius say...
Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak
Confucius say...
Girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip
Confucius say...
Girl who sits on Judges lap gets honourable discharge
Confucius say...
Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent
Confucius say...
Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants
Confucius say...
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg, not find nuts
Confucius say...
He who runs behind bus gets exhausted
Confucius say...
Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion
Confucius say...
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck
Confucius say...
He who fishes in other holes often catches crabs
Confucius say...
All women look same in dark.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lottie
Confucius........must have been a Eunuch :eek: :eek:
Happy Thanksgiving, Eunuch!Quote:
Originally Posted by amtrosie