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lottie
02-15-2008, 11:27 PM
Well I thought they were funny...enjoy! :D

* If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
* I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up
with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
* Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
* I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands
on beer cans.
* I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole
lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they were
cramming for their finals.
* I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny
spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps
toothpicks?
* Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they
just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen
could look for them while they delivered the mail?
* Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of
portraits by Picasso.
* How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
* If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly
are the OTHERS here for?
* STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
* Clones are people two.
* If a man says something in the woods and there are no women
there, is he still wrong?
* No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?
* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
* Think "honk" if you're telepathic.
* Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next
door went nuts.
* If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is
that considered a hostage situation?
* If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
* Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
* If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

hbh2oguard
02-16-2008, 12:17 AM
the first one was great:D

littleleemur
02-16-2008, 04:04 AM
* I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.


Those 5 out of 4 must not be Asian :p

fooddude
02-20-2008, 05:31 PM
Thanks for the laugh. I enjoyed reading that.

I have one I keep on my office door, and no one has ever given me a logical answer...

If raisins are dried grapes, and we have grape juice, how then, is it that prunes are dried plums and we have prune juice?

Thanks again,

FD

hbh2oguard
02-20-2008, 07:48 PM
Thanks for the laugh. I enjoyed reading that.

I have one I keep on my office door, and no one has ever given me a logical answer...

If raisins are dried grapes, and we have grape juice, how then, is it that prunes are dried plums and we have prune juice?

Thanks again,

FD

Well that didn't bring out the laughter but that a very good question and I don't think there is a good reason unless you know of one??:confused:

Daddy-h2O
02-21-2008, 12:47 AM
because plum juice is nasty!!!

thalassamania
03-08-2008, 06:11 AM
Many years ago, in Africa, I had a day off. I decided to go into town to the market. My driver went with me. I don't know why I had a driver, his driving scared the crap out of me. I never actually let him drive, but he was useful as a translator. I called him "Jones" for Parnelli Jones, or Casey Jones or someone like that since his true name was rather difficult to pronounce.

We explored the market. We found ourselves in a group of stalls where various kinds of meat were displayed. There was meat everywhere. Much if it was bush-meat, that is to say meat from animals that you would not normally think of eating such as monkeys and apes; as well as parts of animals that you'd never really consider eating either such as lungs, and brains and other organs. Some of it was illegal at the time.

I rounded a corner stall there; in front of me, was a small, wizened, old woman. She had a series of smallish, maybe 20 liter wooden barrels in front of her. Each barrel was filled with intact, whole brains. A numerical price was displayed on a cardboard sign affixed to the barrel, as was what appeared to be a description of the animal.

I whistled and motioned Jones over. I pointed at the first barrel. "Monkey brains, boss" he said, "'bout two pounds a kilo." I gestured toward another, "Zebra brains, pound, six a kilo." A third, "Gorilla, five and ten." And so on, we went through the crone's inventory. Toward the end we found, "People brains, forty-five pounds a kilo," and "genius people brains, boss, one hundred, twenty-five pounds a kilo."

I was rather shocked. It is never a good idea to make a scene in a place where you are the only non-native. That can be dangerous. I blurted out to my companion, trying hard to make it seem like an everyday thing, "Um ... one hundred, twenty-five pounds a kilo? Must be really fine brains." He grinned and spoke to the old lady in the lingua fraca, as she replied his grin widened. I asked him what she'd said. He told me, "Lady say no, boss. No good brains." So I asked, "Then why are they so expensive?" He translated, she answered, and he said to me, "No good brains boss, ya know how many geniuses gotta kill for a kilo of brains?"

Needless to say this story may, in fact, only be apocryphal.